Zardoz
What we expected: Zardoz was very ambitious indeed. Some heavy themes like immortality and time travel were explored. An obscure sci-fi movie, but nonetheless with some ambition.
What we got: Sean Connery in a skimpy red swimsuit running around and screaming like a lunatic. No seriously, this is what the movie is forever remembered for. He goes through so many crazy situations you can't help but laugh. One time he'll act as a mule to an effeminate immortal, the other he will be dressed as a very hairy bride. It is hilarious and the added nudity, and lack of proper explanations, make it even more so. Oh, and that quote "Zardoz speaks to you"........you better look it up yourself. It is a classic saying.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
What we expected: A sequel to the amazing Nightmare on Elm Street, which introduced a memorable villain and creative dream settings? A recipe for success.....or so we thought.
What we got: We got Jesse, full stop. He is not only a complete wimp and a loser, he is also questionably gay, and likes to listen to awful music. What can go wrong with such an awesome leading man? For one, him surviving Freddy would have been very improbable, so they kept the dream monster's appearance to a minimum and instead we were treated to the life of Jesse, which plays like a comedy, obviously. Surprisingly lame, tame and with "interesting" undertones going on, you'd rather change your mind set before watching it from a horror movie to a comedy.
Conan the Destroyer
What we expected: Badass incarnate Conan kicking ass in an epic adventure of swords and sandals. You know, what the first movie offered us.
What we got: Awful effects presenting even more awful monsters. Instead of sticking with human opponents, the filmmakers decided to put Conan against cheap rubber suits. One of them was even spinning Arnie around. While he was doing his usual moans. It is hilarious, you can't even feel the tension or sense of adventure because you are laughing so hard! Ah, the good old monster movie fakeness. But this is not all, to keep us entertained the cast is trying their hardest to be even worse actors than Arnold himself. And they are succeeding! At least the Austrian Machine is having fun doing this schlock, just look at his face when he answers the princess, who is asking what hurts him.
Maximum Overdrive
What we expected: It has a silly premise, obviously, but at least it is by the master Stephen King himself. He also directed it and it was supposed to be a survival story.
What we got: Toy trucks killing people in hilarious ways, big trucks killing more people in even more hilarious ways, and a bunch of survivors, who are so annoying you wish they all die from the very start. Just listen to the woman, what the hell is wrong with her vocal cords? Well, to be honest King was probably on crack when he was doing the directing(and perhaps also when he was doing the initial writing), so the amateurish direction and infantile plot can be excused. What is left is to watch some hilarious deaths and to cheer the trucks on. It is bad, so bad it is extremely hilarious!
Volcano
What we expected: An epic movie about one of the most dangerous natural disasters hitting a major city. Some good actors were involved and the budget was big enough.
What we got: Something that doesn't depict planet Earth, or our universe for that matter. You see, people were standing next to rivers of molten lava without any ill effects, like only actually touching it can cause you any harm. Someone doesn't know what convection is, or never put his hand above a working oven. Naaah I know, I know, it is all about the cool scenes, where our heroes narrowly escape that fiery stuff. It was obvious the film wasn't marketed for people, who were aware of basic physics. Or aware of what lava truly is, at many different points of the movie even news reporters had no idea what is that red glowy thing. That said, it was hilarious to watch that one scene, where the slow moving lava almost catches our main couple off guard without them noticing. Or death scenes, where people literally melt. Or the forced and brain dead message against racism. Or how serious Tommy Lee Jones plays it all. It is comedy gold!
Anaconda
What we expected: A tense creature feature, with a menacing big snake and a varied cast just ready to be eaten.
What we got: Jon Voight, and boy, was it a surprise! With stars like J-Lo and Ice Cube you can't be faulted to expect some epic failures from them. However, they were all upstaged by the man himself, the Great White Hunter who was so hammy even the snake couldn't stomach him for long. I have no idea what the director was thinking letting Voight act completely off the rails, but the end results is one of the worst, and consequently funniest, performances ever. Just look at his final scene and laugh your lungs out! Meanwhile our main hero was completely out of the picture for almost the entire film, so it was maybe all deliberate.
Top Gun
What we expected: A film about how super cool is to be a fighter jet pilot. Yeah, it was maybe a bit of a propaganda, but so what.
What we got: The secret homoerotic relationship between Maverick and Iceman. Essays has been written on the matter and yes, people have decided that their relationship was indeed more complex and developed than the stock romance between Maverick and some girl. Hell, she even had to dress up as Iceman to get his attention! On first viewing it might not seem so apparent, but if you watch it knowing what these two manly men have been up to, you'll roll on the floor laughing through its duration. The half-naked volleyball scene is only the tip of the iceberg. Top Bum for life!
